New Sport in 2012 Olympics: Drone Pigeon Shooting

Today an Olympic source confirmed that “clay pigeons” will be receiving the same fate as the dodo. They are to be replaced in the 2012 Olympic games with “electric pigeons” which are already being dubbed “drone pigeons” by critics. The intriguingly development has until now been kept under wraps for fears the plan would anger traditionalists who claim the decision to move away from clay pigeons is an affront to the history of the sport and the prestige of the olympic event.

Leaked promotional photo of drone pigeon shooting in action

The rapid evolution of the sport towards electric pigeons has made the traditionally gentile sport accessible to the working classes for the first time with electric pigeon shooting groups popping up around the country. Electronic pigeons and electric bullets remove the possibility of  shrapnel and stray bullets, this is the official basis for the impending EU wide ban on clay pigeon shooting which will soon come in to force.

The drone pigeon shooting movement initially emerged from Peckham housing estates as a form of popular backlash and flexing of muscles by drug dealers who were worried about the use of drones for surveillance by the met police force which libertarians have deemed Orwellian and intrusive. The sport gained a fan base when students became bitter towards police attempts to crush protests in the capital. Over the past year protests against corporate tax avoidance rapidly became a public past time in the capital and a number of vigilantes attending the protests have announced themselves to be prepared to take out drones using the twitter tag “#bangbang” on the GPS protest manager “Sukey“. It has been suggested that the EU move to ban the sport of clay pigeon shooting may be a back-door attempt to clamp down on “real drone pigeon shooting” and replace it with the hideously ironic and somewhat impotent replacement of Olympic drone pigeon shooting. According to reports from witnesses “real drone pigeon shootings” have been covered up by the police who used backup drones to issue shooters and witnesses with super injunctions. This is done by using face recognition techniques to locate the shooters with the data transmitted from the displaced drone. A partner drone fitted with a Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) then transmits super injunctions down a sound beam directly from the drone much like a laser beam transmits light. Commentators are predicting the sport of drone pigeon shooting will overtake clay pigeon shooting in popularity by 2012. Leaked reports suggest the Olympic committee are waiting for this so they can formally claim they made the decision to switch to drone pigeon shooting for the 2012 games to ensure the “equal opportunities ethos” of the event.

A police officer from the met forward intelligence unit

Even after factoring in the risk of drone pigeon shooting, the cost of operating a fleet of hundreds of thousands of drones is only a fraction of the policing budget let alone the £370 million the UK police force currently spend on helicopters and CCTV alone. Considering the government’s embarrassment over the penchant of the police for pretending to be spies and their fetish for “watersports” (the voyeuristic practice  involves the use of high power lenses to secretly record from afar female members of the public urinating and then uploading the video on youtube in a bizarre form of kamikaze PR. It is hardly surprising that the Government have made the decision to bin 40,000 police officers in favour of less work-shy and more cost effective airborne squadrons of police drones which are now regularly seen swooping above heads at festivals, protests and council estates. Large squadrons are increasingly needed to subvert attempts to shoot down the microdrones.

A met police drone

The new generation of aggressive quadcopter microdrones automatically stabilise themselves after being thrown in to the air by hand and and can swoop through windows that are only slightly open with no difficulty making them ideal for Cambridgeshire police’s undercover watersports operations. The latest generation of drones can stay in the air for 16 hours and with real time face recognition technology the database state is finally well and truly ready to kick some hippy ass. It remains to be seen whether the public will take the bait on a large scale when the surveillance plan is rolled out nationally but one thing is for sure, the twee sport of clay pigeon shooting isn’t just for farmers any more.

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